This is not the Positivity you are seeking.

This is not positive. This is not a cry for help. This is simply how I feel today.

Mortality – Today is one of those days. A lot of people say that. ‘Oh, it’s been one of those days’, after a long work day, stressful toddler chasing filled day, I don’t know, something really rough. For me, today is one of those days in which I am both terrified of dying and at the same time filled with the hopelessness of living. I am 100% aware of how lucky and blessed I am (can I say blessed without being religious anymore?) and yet cannot fathom even the slightest reason to do anything about it. I fill my days with trying to be successful at my job, positive in my head, and happy toward those I love and whom love me. But today, the full weight of the word why settles heavily on me and I just sit here at work, in the midst of a productive day full of amazing ideas and projects and a great dinner with family later thinking…why? Why in the hell, when I am sooner than later going to turn into a non existent, non-emotion filled, pocket of space. Even if I write, and create a family, and do what I can to keep my name and soul known on earth, it won’t be, it won’t be known, it wouldn’t have made a lasting effect, it won’t have helped anyone or have figured anything out. Religion is nice, it’s calming, but it’s not true to me right now, and that leaves nothingness, which is fine, it’s true, it’s just, terrifying. I won’t work hard, and I won’t be nice, and I won’t go out of my way to be better, when nobody, or nothing, will know about my struggles and blessings eventually. I won’t do it.

Positive or helpful or just plain intriguing thoughts welcomed.

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3 thoughts on “This is not the Positivity you are seeking.

  1. You got through that day 🙂 I read a wonderful book, Women who run with the wolves, by clarissa estes pinkola. Being a woman, you have strength you do not yet know. It’s true. 🙂

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