Okay, so I am most certainly probably bipolar, or depressed, or just one of those awkwardly depressing stages of creatively intelligent, but I really really really want to be happier overall and it has been an ongoing struggle this past year. I can’t bring myself to go to pills for help, because I like my brain the way it is (most of the time) and don’t want to fuzz up my thoughts. I also don’t feel like a therapist will help, because, well, quite frankly I only listen to myself. So, here’s my latest project in trying to help myself: basically, it’s a stream of the conscious journal that I feel can be turned into something helpful/ interesting to read for others.
Things to do to fight depression:
- Stay busy
- Be passionate about something
- Call your mom (or dad)
- Pet your animals
- Fridays. Conversely, get ready for the backlash on Mondays.
***********This is a document I do not like looking at, reading over, or thinking of ideas for on good days. Why even turn my brain this way? Adios document!
Oh, hey, it’s me, just about 7 hours later. Just wanted to remind myself that my impatience may literally be the thing killing me slowly. Stress, social anxiety, and impatience for success drive me batty each and every day. So here’s what I need:
- Not to give two shits what anybody thinks of me (you were right dad)
- To be patient, slow down, and focus on one thing at a time
- To enjoy the little things way more
Do you ever feel way too heavy with the expectation to be something greater, to do something greater? Sometimes I feel like laying my head down on my keyboard and crying because I have so many ideas and so many great thoughts, it’s just too hard to make any of them come to fruition.
Today I feel unbelievably lucky, lucky to be alive, to feel my body working, to be so deep in love with such an amazing person, to have such a big, loving, supporting family, and to have all my intelligent/creative/career/travel opportunities.
I feel the need to give back to any and everybody, to let all know I love and appreciate them, and to strengthen friendships and relationships.
As far as adulting outside of work goes today, I waited on hold for 30 minutes to try to pay my health insurance premium and looked up how expensive nuclear- fallout shelters are…too expensive.
Today I feel nothing, not depressed and overwhelmed, and also not happy and blessed. I feel like I am here because I have to be, and like I am busy, and like I am overall discontented with the pointlessness of the day to day.