All Rights Reserved D.R Breshears – Another small snip from a novel I’m drumming up, enjoy (or don’t)! Feedback always welcome.
Little girls growing up always dream about their wedding day, taking precious time to play pretend with their dolls or their siblings, or even their friends, in order to feel a little closer to that big, sparkling, magical day.
It’s a bit fucked up, she thought looking back at it now, that such little girls make such big plans with their love lives, yet they forget that they will need to fall in love first.
At times it seemed like marriages and engagements were more important to society than the simple statement of falling in love in the first place.
Wasn’t it enough to fall painfully in love with a stranger, to intertwine your souls and lives together and make that instant connection that unites you both and ultimately changes your life, whether physically or emotionally, forever? No, not in our culture, in our culture, you need to plan a grand formal social event starting at age 5 and continue to make mental plans until your mid-twenties to ensure that you proclaim your love grandly enough that it lasts the first 5-year divorce hump.
However, bitterness about society and our questionable life choices aside, Lorna had done the same thing, all girls did.
When she was 8 years old her sister and she married their Beanie Babies, Teena, and Roofus. Her tan dog wasn’t particularly fond of her sister’s scraggly white cat, the fur clumped up and the attitude around it completely wrong for Roofus, but she was thrilled to have a ceremony and make twig and vine rings for the dolls. In lieu of extravagant rice-throwing gestures for send off they filled a large cardboard box with water, simply to fill it with flowers (dandelions) and watch it swell and then burst at the seams.
It was all a bit odd, the whole stuffed-animal ceremony and cardboard box destruction, but in their heads, in was normal and beautiful and something that, if they were lucky, they would get to do someday themselves (maybe minus the dandelion-filled box).
That naive and unrelenting desire to be married, to have a grand gesture from someone she loved, a public admittance of ‘I love you’, never went away in the back of Lorna’s head growing up, no matter how hard her societal pessimism tried.
She often times found herself planning the seating arrangement for a small ceremony at her favorite outdoor spots, taking the time to look at the area and decide where the chairs would sit, where the two of them would stand if there was room for a small reception there afterward…even without the slightest hint of an interested man in her life at the time.
It was disgusting how bad she really wanted it.
When she met James, something inside changed. She didn’t just want that stupid, overpriced, over-photographed ‘I love you’ declaration. She needed it.
She needed the world to know that she found James, that her soul was complete, that he loved her so much that he would marry her in front of a crowd of people. She needed to feel a heavy metallic reminder of his commitment, to know that it was different with him, that they were different together. Marriage wasn’t just a childish wish she dreamt of coming true anymore, it was a necessary event for her soul and for his. She knew he felt the same way.
It wasn’t as simple outwardly as she was making it sound, though.
The thing was, Lorna loved attention, she always had. Lorna loved to love, as well. Getting married, though he was absolutely the right person and it was absolutely was the right time, was a difficult thing to commit to for her, overall.
No longer could she wonder what her ex would do if he got his act together and realized he was missing out on someone really special. No longer could she stare at the stranger in Wal-Mart and undress him with her eyes until he undressed her in the bathroom. No longer could she make that one who got away jealous at the bar on Saturday night with her new lowest-cut addition to her wardrobe.
She thought about those nights when they were first together when she fell in love with several different guys and allowed them all into her lives, if not just for the night. She had never felt bad, she and James weren’t serious yet and she liked to keep her options open, to not leave any stone unturned.
She was happy, God she was happy, but she was also uncertain. She didn’t like finality in things, so to say goodbye to all the world’s possibilities of lovers seemed, well, absurd really. Think about it, there are over 7.4 billion people on this earth alone. If you split that in half (even though statistically she always found that women represented a higher population than men), that left 3.7 billion men she could possibly love, possibly be loved by.