Here’s a piece I’m publishing just as a blog sneak peak/ piece of flash fiction up for feedback. This is a small portion of a much larger project that I don’t want to show too much of just yet because it is a joint work with another amazing author, but I would like some feedback for a few beginning components in it.
Feel free to nitpick away!
‘He wasn’t even in the car with me anymore, he was just sitting by himself outside the driver’s side door with his hands on his head and his pants around his ankles’, the crackling voice on the other line laughed as she took another drag off of her freshly lit cigarette.
‘Fuck, how do you even get yourself into these situations, Liz? It’s almost like you just sit around town looking for the most fucked in the head guys and invite them into your pants, I mean life,’ Lorna said half condescendingly, half enviously.
‘Aren’t they the same thing? I mean if you think about it, Lorna, you as a human female have needs, whether you think of them chemically, like that guy you fucked at the concert last year because you said ‘he was looking at you like that’, emotionally, like your last infamous 1-year boy toy who ‘made love just the right way’, or biblically, like that of the role of women you were taught in church, you know, baby making and what not. Whatever way you look at it, Lorna, your pants and what you choose to put in them or not put in them are 100% your life in a nutshell’.
‘That’s such bullshit and you know it, you just need an excuse to fuck Cody the Creep again’, they both laughed at this one.
Sometimes she wished she were more like Liz, a tad more uninhibited and unconcerned about how others felt about her. Hell who was she kidding, she would trade places with Liz in a heartbeat, just to feel that completely reckless, stupid, intense passion she was sure she felt at least every other night, just once in her life.
Lorna was practicing her usual afternoon routine as she talked about nothing in particular yet everything essential all at once to Liz: pick up her nephew from school, pick up her sister from work, pick up dinner for them all, and pick up party favors for herself later that night. While she wasn’t the most adventurous person in this small beat up town, she certainly was the most habitually . . . relaxed.
She didn’t mind helping her sister out, she herself was constantly in and out of relationships, either living with the guy or living with her sister, so they have always sort of counted on each other in that aspect.
Her nephew was six years old and possibly the most adorable boy she had ever had the pleasure of meeting, and not just in the ‘oh, he’s family, of course he’s cute’ way, though she had to admit being a mixed boy in his small class in this small town was never an easy thing to deal with. Half the time he didn’t even care about the comments as much as she did, she always thought one of those little biggot kids could use a good kick in the ass.
Racism is alive and well, and if you can’t find it you aren’t looking in the right small towns across America. She hated the people in her city, yet, obviously, she never left.
Her sister herself was 29 and stunningly gorgeous, one of those faces that never age and those bodies that never soften. Lorna was always jealous of her sisters looks as a kid, she was just one of those voluptuous girls that was always wanted by somebody, even way back in middle school (she still hadn’t gotten over her first crush, Tommy, asking her sister to the 8th grade dance even though he was only in 6th grade with her)
Lately, however, Lorna had come to accept her own unique sexuality, a sort of dark and smokey sexy thing that she hasn’t had any trouble attracting her own sort of guy with throughout her mid-twenties, though lately her well had been a bit dry, she would admit.
As Lorna went to turn left on Engineer Street near her nephew’s school she heard a loud pop and hissing from underneath her hood, something she definitely didn’t know enough about to try to make it up the street with.
She and her car had been mortal enemies since 2005, and she knew better than pushing her luck with an engine malfunction (flashback to her engine fire fiasco three years ago).
After a quick call to the school explaining she would be late, then to her overly dramatic sister with the same, not as well received information, she called a tow truck with her free AAA card (one tow a year my ass, this was her 4th) and told him to take her to his opinion on the best mechanic in town.
‘That would be Johnson’s, i’ll take you to James downtown.’ he gruffed at her.
‘James Johnson? What a horrible fucking name’, she thought to herself as she climbed into the all too familiar town tow truck. She hoped his service was better than his setup.