Oh, I don’t know what to call this, except for a shit show.
These are my typed out, and yet not published or sent thoughts from the past week. I am publishing them now because I LOVE to see the process of cycling through depression, or normal life ups and downs, through writing. Enjoy! (though as I always say, it’s not the most positive thoughts to enjoy).
November 27 – Addiction
I always need more.
Once the good feeling hits, I hit back.
I struggle with the concept of moderation.
I reach for a new idea of consumption.
I heavily welcome all that is fuzzy.
November 28 – Soul Mating
I firmly believe that there cannot be a couple more in love than my fiance and I in this day and age.
I do not, however, believe in the idea of soul mates, love at first site, or even a perfect love.
The part that gets me about the idea of a soulmate is this:
How am I supposed to logically believe that in the entire universe, on this entire planet of humans to be more specific, my #1, perfect match, soul fitting mate was right here, just a town over from my small Missouri town, the whole time?
The world is too big for that. I do not believe in a perfect match, but I believe that we as people find people we like, with similar interests, with attractive features, and that we train ourselves into becoming their soul mate. We mesh our lives and our love and we call it a ‘match made in heaven’ when in reality it was a likable match made in your hometown, by yourself, and by them.
We can be trained to be a soul mate, I am certain of that. But I am not certain that love is as lovely and magical as we all like to think it is, at least not today.
November 29 – Why Rape Culture is Everyone’s Culture
4 Things I really hate:
- When people make automatic assumptions/judgments on things or people they know nothing about.
- Blind racism or sexism.
- Chosen ignorance over proven facts.
- Society-created gender roles.
Along with that train of thought, here’s a new novel title idea: You’re an Asshole, and it’s Not Your Fault: A Detailed Guide on How Society has Made Men Gross
(Note – if you are male and you are reading this please do not get offended, there are good people and there are bad people, that is true for every sex, I was clearly upset with some random asshole that day).
November 30 – Self Hate
I have been in a dark, self-loathing place for a couple weeks now, which is weird because recently I’ve gotten engaged to the love of my life/best friend, I have seen family for the holidays, and I am less than 2 weeks away from my big journey to Mexico (yes, I know, I’ve said all of these things too often lately).
I’ve been feeling ugly, fat, unhelpful, unworthy, and overall, afraid and inviting to death yet once again.
Today I started the day MUCH darker than usual, wanting to punch the mirror as I stared at my pale face and tried to button closed my favorite ‘sexy’ jeans and wondered how the day would possibly get better.
I went to work early, I started cleaning before my shift, and I got to work on the computer promptly.
I glanced in the mirror and felt okay, I did some workouts in the bathroom.
My body feels okay and my mind is getting there.
The whole point of this non-cohesive rant is that dark, self-loathing places always come full circle. It all has to do with YOU. My mindset was/still is telling me I’m a horrible person, an ugly person, someone my new fiance will no longer be okay with. If you ignore that, work out, compliment yourself, your self-confidence will show it’s head again, which makes ALL the difference in your day to day routine, your attitude, and the way others (like my fiance) will view you.
If you ignore that, work out, compliment yourself, your self-confidence will show it’s head again, which makes ALL the difference in your day to day routine, your attitude, and the way others (like my fiance) will view you.
December 1st – Feeling Everything
I want to love myself more.
I want my family to know I love them.
I want my friendships to strengthen and blossom.
I want to do good.
I want to help out.