I wrote this blog a few, maybe four, months ago, and just found it tucked safely and secretly away in my drafts. I wanted to share, for others feeling the same way, or others fighting feeling this way again. I was fuzzing, and at times I am still fuzzing, but things will and do get better!
My life is fuzzing away.
Loneliness and addiction. Those are my things.
Not my good things. When I think about it, they aren’t my bad things either.
I’ve been blogging and playing with (and paying very close attention to) my thoughts and feelings for awhile now since I’ve graduated college and moved in with the love of my life.
Those are my two things as well, the two things I always wanted to accomplish; wisdom and love.
But now I’m starting to realize that the things you thought you wanted and dreamed about do not solve your problems, do not shake your core feelings, and do not lead away any unwanted or unresolved feelings in your life.
I am TERRIFIED of being alone, both in life and at night. I get this indescribable hollow feeling that mixes with panic and desperation so tumultuously that I end up mood swinging from depressed and helpless to active and busy [sidenote from present Danielle, I recently found out I have Bipolar Disorder, so that statement makes so much sense to me now]. That was college.
Now I am living with my fiance and have been for some time, not needing to visit home every weekend, and doing fine in my independent office job. It’s nice. It was nice, anyway.
The loneliness came back again, and with that came addiction (not drugs, but love and attention and pills). Addiction is America’s favorite vice, and who am I to be so unpatriotic that I would deny myself that right? Anywho, I craved being with somebody at all times, and when I wasn’t, I craved to be numb, fuzzing.
Here’s the kicker; sometimes I want that hollow loneliness, I want that addiction to come back. Is there a possibility that covering up my irrational dislike of being alone with extreme company constantly has got my brain missing that fear, that uncontrolled and unwanted feeling?
(This is one of those thinking out loud posts, Danielle likes to ramble and think too much)
Close to implosion.